The Bearded Wonder

I am 3.5 weeks into my beard. I feel like a real man. I man who hunts for his own food, who could survive in the wilderness for weeks on end. Who knows how to build a fire with flint or sticks. A man who can explain how an engine works, who owns multiple flannel shirts and drives a big truck. But I am not that man. I am not any of those. Although I am pretty sure my brother in-law-in-law fits all of those, except does not have a beard. Ironic.

The longest I have ever grown a beard is for a month. It was in college. We had a beard growing competition and I won. I beat out like 80 other dudes for the man with the fullest beard. So I have some pride invested in this beard thing. I realize that i have been given a gift. The ability to grow a lot of facial hair. Not all men have this gift. I don't want to stop growing it. I have a look in mind that I am going for. My favorite comedian, Zach Galifianakis has an amazing beard. And that is what i want mine to look like. 

The problem I have run into is my wife hates the beard. She doesn't understand that beard growing is an art form. It takes weeks of sacrifice, determination, putting up with itchiness. But I will not give up. My goal is to grow it at least until january, with hopes of making it through February. That would be amazing. I want it to be huge. I want small birds to be able make a nest in it. I want to be able to carry my cell phone inside of it. Or pack a lunch and just keep it in there. I want it to be so thick that if I shaved it off, it could clothe and small african child. I want it to be so manly that it makes Chuck Norris feel inferior. That Moses himself would have told me to lead the people out of Egypt. When I am walking toward someone and they see my beard, as they start to say "wow, look how big that beard is." all they get out is wow look how big, and then my beard hits them in the face. I want to be able to sky dive without a parachute because my beard catches enough air to keep me floating. I want my beard to hold the cure to cancer. I don't know how, but with a giant beard anything is possible. 

So join me in my beard conquest. I am not doing this just for me, but for everyone who reads this. So it probably is just for me. But oh well. Here is to an amazing growing season, one in which I will reap a beard harvest bigger than I ever dreamed.